The Saw-Whet Owl Hates Your Face
The Northern Saw-whet Owl is a very small, short-bodied, owl with a relatively short temper. It loves hearing about your problems after a hard day of being an owl. It’ll just sit there on its branch eyeing you as you complain about how your life sucks, how you didn’t get that promotion and how much of a dick your boss is. Secretly it has come up with 2,347 ways to kill you and dispose of your body. With every word spoken, anger and hatred for you has been building up in its 18cm 75 gram little owl body. Its on the verge of exploding with the sheer velocity of a jet engine towards your face to gouge your eyes out. Nothing would give it a greater sense of satisfaction and pleasure then seeing you struggle to reassemble your severed appendages while you shriek in terror.
When threatened, a Saw-whet Owl will elongate its body in order to appear like a tree branch or the physical embodiment of sheer horror. It loves to see prey cower in fear as its eyes stab into their soul. You can run, hide, go under the witness protection program, etc… but this owl could care less. It lives for the hunt and will not stop until its thirst for blood has been quenched.
Because of their nomadic nature it is unlikely that pair bonds are permanent or that birds often return to the same nest site. Basically, its a hit it then quit it kind of owl. Wham Bam in the Clam without giving a damn then it chunks the ham. The Saw-Whet begins a complex series of bobbing and shuffling as he inches towards a female owl he’s interested in. Often, the male has a mouse in its bill and offers it to the female. The mouse being obviously dead because nothing would just be lying in its bill like it was cool place to hang out. The offer, at first, appeared to be a kind gesture but upon closer inspection and taking in the Saw-Whet’s dark nature; its believed to be a threat. Translating the actions into words would yield these results, “If you ever double cross me, you’d be lucky to end up like this mouse.” Disturbing.
The Northern Saw-Whet Owl soaks its head in battery acid to prepare for a vigorous mating ritual. After shooting heroin and downing a bottle of Jack Daniels, its ready to go. As deadly and viscous as the Whet Owl may seem it is a passionate lover. It ensures its mate has health insurance to cover any injuries it may and will endure during intercourse. After rigorous owl coitus, the Whet leaves the female spasm-ing uncontrollably from unholy amounts of pleasure to go find some small animals to shred to pieces in order to come down from its high.
Life in general
The Saw-Whet normally lives up to 8 years in captivity mostly due to its unhealthy lifestyle of unprotected sex and drug binges. It is currently suing Russel Brand for shadowing its lifestyle in the movie Get Him to the Greek.
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