Horned Owl
Horned Owl
He is in a state between delusional and fucking crazy.

Gambling Habits

Down on his luck at the Texas Hold’em Poker table at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, this horned owl begged the dealer to let him barter his wife and two kids for $300 in chips. Minutes later he was arrested for an attempt at human trafficking. Another charge was later added when he offered a Las Vegas police officer fellatio in the back of the cruiser to let him go. He then re-offered his wife and kids. Hours after being released on bond he was arrested for indecent exposure and public intoxication outside the Bellagio. He was caught urinating on one of the valets after he was refused inside the hotel. The horned owl was later extradited back to Montana, its native state, after being caught performing numerous sexual acts on fellow inmates in exchange for oatmeal pies which he was using to bet in a game of Spades.

Dietary Information

This great horned owl’s diet consist mostly of Acai berries it ordered online after being scammed on the internet to purchase them. When its not eating Acai berries, this owl can be found stealing left overs off of he’s neighbors grill or using his son’s free lunch meal ticket at his middle school.

Horned Owl
Thinking of how he wishes he was a stick of butter living in a house made of pancakes and having a hot tub made of syrup.


Contrary to his derogatory behavior in prison, this owl’s performance in the bedroom was considered less than satisfactory from his wife. “I wouldn’t even really consider it sex. Its more like he would convulse on top of me as if having a heart attack after 2 minutes of what I would guess you’d call penetration”, said the extremely dissatisfied, horned owl wife. She later went on to claim that the children weren’t really his and that they belonged to the neighbor next door.


This Great Horned Owl spends 10 hours out of the day playing Rock Band on his son’s Xbox 360. You’d think he’d be really good playing it that much but he actually sucks. Then again you have to remind yourself that he’s a fucking owl and doesn’t have any hands.

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