The thought of fucking with a Barn Owl is known to cause radical testicular growth in men where the size of the nut sack increases to accommodate ostrich egg sized balls. For women, it has known to produce Burt Reynolds styled mustaches and spontaneous chest fur that mirrors the finest grizzly bear rugs.
Terror is Born
Barn Owls are created in a laboratory owned by serial killers/ mad scientists/ Death incarnate/ Richard Simmons and the Jonas Brothers. They are engineered by first harnessing the power of evil in its purest form and then slapping a face on it. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity was concocted by blending together a mixture of your worst fears and hellish nightmares. Instead of a soul, the Barn Owl is fueled by every traumatic experience in your life. Your sadness is what keeps it alive. If you look past the Silence of the Lambs resemblance in the baby Barn Owls face, you’ll notice it has a Sesame Street’s Big Bird resemblance. It’s actually kind of cute in a “Dear God, please don’t let it come any closer!”, kind of way. Baby Barn Owls can typically be found hiding under your bed or in your closet when you suspect an evil presence dwelling in those locations. They mostly like to reside in the moment between when you shit your pants from fear and the realization that you just shit your pants from fear. These incarnations of evil are considered as the foundation for every horror film ever seen. The baby Barn Owl is what Jason, from Friday the 13, really looks like under the mask.
Adolescent Barn Owls are Tolerable to look at.
Like ugly ducklings that blossom into beautiful swans the Barn Owl sheds its gruesome murderous appearance for a kindlier more gentle one. This is just a mask that hides an ungodly being that fills its day by being disgusting with your every waking moment.
Listen to their cute shrills and watch their adorable eating habits.
If you find anything on this site offensive and deem it untrue about the above mentioned owls then feel free to contact us so we may address your issues and concerns. We also don’t mind if you submit a complaint about us. We love and respect owls as well its closest relative, Scott Pilgrim.